What have I Gotten Myself Into?

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance,
perserverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:4

I'm totally beginning to understand why people get so close to graduating and then give up. I honestly had the thought the other day. Okay, you're right... I would never do it. However, the idea was looking pretty good. I'm not sure how I am going to survive this semester. Survive meaning "emerge with my sanity in tact." Maybe I prayed too much this summer. I'm pretty sure that almost every time I prayed I asked God to stretch me and grow me this semester-produce character, you know that sort of thing. However, looking at each syllabus, it strikes me that maybe I was too enthusiastic in my prayers. Have you ever done that? Prayed something that you thought you really wanted and something you were sure that you were ready for, then thought to yourself, "OH! What have I gotten myself into?" Yeah .... I'm SO there. Fall Semester is going to equal No Life. Its unfortunate, but I guess I only got what I asked for. So what can I do but submit to it. At least (if I survive that is) I'll emerge with better character in the end. So for the three of you that actually read this... you've heard it said before, but Be careful what you pray for because sometimes God answers those prayers. :)

Love God More.

In reflection of and response to "To be naked with God" (http://fidelityblog.tumblr.com/post/172986452/to-be-naked-with-god) by Andre Henry.

I measure the importance of my friendship to others in terms of time. Don't we all? Doesn't it make sense to assume that if someone is important to us that we will go out of our way to make sure that there is time that we have set aside for that person? I know that if someone says that I am important to them but never spends time with me, or only checks in with me with they want to tell me whats happening in their life , I wouldn't believe their words anymore.

God's a person. This statement sounds like one we would quickly agree with, but do we know what it means? God is a person. A person thinks and feels. If I am made in his image, would it not be accurate to say that if I feel that we invest time in those we love, that He probably does too? I've heard, "love God more," a couple times in the past week. And that's exactly what it comes down to.

Think about it. How do you cultivate a relationship? How does it start? Most likely you hang out with the person. You get to know the person. Then you begin to love the person for who they are. Which brings you full circle, back to spending time with them. God's the same. Andre's blog hit me like a stack of bricks. I don't love God as much as I want. I don't love him enough to always go out of my way to carve time for him... just him. So I'm going to begin to "love God more," and start with spending time.

Everything is Spiritual

I've been looking over some of my personal habits. Habits such as: my tendency to run late (even if its only a few minutes), lack of discipline in working out (i wouldn't ever call it laziness), and my cluttered hidden spaces (I do well keeping things picked up but my closet and drawers tend to be messy). Now, I could offer a surface excuse for all these, and honestly I have been throughout the years. Excuses like, "well I just never tend to have enough time to get ready- something always comes up", or "as long as i keep what people see clean then there shouldn't be a problem" have become my anthems. For years, I have just kind of ignored these things or pushed them aside to worry about on another day.

Then there is my spiritual life (you know the things that are more important). Actions with meaning such as praying, reading my Bible, and serving. Two of which (praying and reading my Bible) I will admit that for quite sometime I was horrible at. Even now sometimes is feels like I am pulling teeth to make myself want to do these things. Serving, though I did it and often, I had the wrong motives far too many times. Just the same as the things in my "everyday" life, I have plenty of excuses. "I didn't/don't have time, " being the most popular. There is a pattern; not only is there a pattern, but I'm beginning to realize something HUGE. I'm finally come to realize the "everything is spiritual."

It's not like I have never, in my 21 years in church, heard such a thing. But, for some reason I failed to get a grasp of it. These things are connected. The things in the physical are not separate from the things I struggle with in the spiritual. As a matter of fact, they are actually indicators that there is a fiber of character that is missing or broken in my inner life. Lack of discipline in the physical points to a lack of the spiritual disciplines. The messiness of my closet and drawers could possibly indicate a disordered (or off-rhythm) inner life. This holistic view brings a clearer picture to the places that need work. It takes it deeper. So rather than building character on the surface, it can penetrate the core of who I am.

Aha!

"Spiritual maturity is when you can learn to live above your changing, unreliable emotions rather than under them." When I first heard Dr. Rakes say this, well over a year ago, it resonated within my heart. However, recently I have become even more in touch with the truth that lies within this statement. Now, I refuse to pull the "I'm-a-girl-so-I-am-emotional" card, but to say that I am not an emotional person would be a bold-face lie. On most occasions, I can maintain control of the manner in which I express how I am feeling. So in my mind, the initial challenge was to make the "most" in the former sentence become "all". Within the past year, I have come to the realization that my perceived challenge wasn't the point. In fact, controlling the expression of my emotions is probably not even half of the battle. Though I had gained somewhat control of when or when not to express what I was feeling, inside I was a mess.

When concerning emotions I don't think that there is a truer statement than the one that Joanna Weaver writes in "Having a Mary Spirit." "Careless Thinking is a dangerous habit. For as our thoughts go, so go our emotions. And as our emotions go, so often goes our faith." Here's the "aha!" moment... this "living above the emotions" Dr. Rakes was referring has little to do with am bound to lose. But rather, living above my emotions consists of stopping the negative thoughts that pull the lever to send me on the emotional roller coaster that I know too well... protecting my thoughts, protects my emotions, which then in return preserves my faith.

Just call me Hadassah.

So a great friend, Andre Henry, has started a wonderful project call Fidelity[?] http://fidelityblog.tumblr.com/. Very quickly, this project is an ongoing conversation about the journey of loving God. The first posts have challenged me beyond explanation. The content of the posts are nothing short of a message from God straight to my heart. This summer, I have spent so much time thinking about the pitiful thing that I call my walk with God. I say pitiful not because of not desiring intimacy but because I spend so much time thinking and journaling about going deeper with God, but never DO anything to change my condition. Andre presents a brillant question, "why do I care about going to Heaven?" Frankly, this question was almost offensive to me. However, I know Andre well and he always asks the right questions to bring about a challenge of thought so figured it would do me well to keep reading. He goes on to say that it isn't about heaven or hell, but in reality it is about where God is or isn't.

Today, Dr. John Bosman was a guest speaker on our World Compassion Sunday (missions Sunday). His message was from the book of Esther. Now, Esther is one of those women in the Bible who stands out to a little girl. She competes with the likes of women such as Ruth, Deborah, and Rahab. Oh to be courageous.... But how about we take a chance to strip Esther down to the girl she truely is... Hadassah. Let's take away the year of beauty treatments, the title of Queen and the favor of the King. Underneath it all she was a only Jewish girl who had a divine appointment to save her people... to save herself. Nothing mattered when she stood in the moment of decision. The begging of her beloved Mordecai probably seemed to her a death sentence. Hadassah had a divine appointment... I say all this to mention a powerful point, "You were not born to escape hell. You were not born to make it to heaven. You were born to do what God has for you- to take up your assignment. Because it's not about you. It's not about others. It's all about him."-Dr. Bosman. I thought, "Alright, I get it God", as I smiled huge with the realization that God found it important enough to use two men of God to relay and enforce a message from His heart. I believe the personal call here is to re-think what it means to be on this journey. Do I really just want to live life and make it to heaven, knowing that I have done just enough of the "Do's and "Don'ts" to escape hell and barely slip into to where God is. Or is it more important to milk the life from every moment?