inbalanced

Frustration meets disappointment... :/

Beyond the surface.

So this my first attempt at writing a poem since like middle school/early high school... Be honest.

Beyond the Surface.

There's more than the eye can see,
Beyond the surface of that face;
Often we assume what may be
Not wanting to slow our pace.

That woman you rushed by;
Conceals a story worth telling.
Even though she may deny,
There's more than what's showing.

There's more than the eye can see,
Beyond the surface of that face;
Often we assume what may be
Not wanting to slow our pace.

The man standing over there;
who appears to be content.
Sings a song, only he's aware.
The song inside that won't relent.

There is more than what they see;
to that beautiful face of yours.
Though it is hard, please tell your story.
The time it takes are precious hours.

What would happen if we took the time;
Exploring beyond the surface
Searching for more than a dime.
Realizing there is more to that face.

Growing Pains

When I was a little girl, maybe seven or so, I'd lay in my bed and my legs would throb. My grandpa (my mom's dad) lived with us. He'd hear me crying, come in and bend down next to me and ask, "what's wrong punkin?" I'd tell him the reason for my tears. He'd respond, "Oh, those are just growing pains. It means you're getting taller... all i can do is rub them." There were probably two or three times that this happened, and each time I'd eventually fall asleep as he rubbed the ache out of my knees and ankles.

Growing Pains. I had forgotten all about them until about a week ago. I was sitting next to a good friend catching up on what God was doing in our lives... Community is an amazing thing. I've been trying to put into words the tension I've been feeling. While chatting with my friend, I realized in a moment that lately I've been experiencing soul aches.... Growing pains if you will. Its a process that most of us don't welcome with open arms because we know that as our character grows we feel tension. That tension is a good thing though. It acts as a potter's hand through clay. That tension begins to shape and mold our inner life.

But no means am I saying that all tension is growth or even if there is no tension there is no growth. Like I recalled earlier, I don't remember having them that much, maybe three times in my whole life. But when they are present, push through because the outcome brings great fruit.

What have I Gotten Myself Into?

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings,
because we know that suffering produces perseverance,
perserverance, character; and character, hope."
Romans 5:4

I'm totally beginning to understand why people get so close to graduating and then give up. I honestly had the thought the other day. Okay, you're right... I would never do it. However, the idea was looking pretty good. I'm not sure how I am going to survive this semester. Survive meaning "emerge with my sanity in tact." Maybe I prayed too much this summer. I'm pretty sure that almost every time I prayed I asked God to stretch me and grow me this semester-produce character, you know that sort of thing. However, looking at each syllabus, it strikes me that maybe I was too enthusiastic in my prayers. Have you ever done that? Prayed something that you thought you really wanted and something you were sure that you were ready for, then thought to yourself, "OH! What have I gotten myself into?" Yeah .... I'm SO there. Fall Semester is going to equal No Life. Its unfortunate, but I guess I only got what I asked for. So what can I do but submit to it. At least (if I survive that is) I'll emerge with better character in the end. So for the three of you that actually read this... you've heard it said before, but Be careful what you pray for because sometimes God answers those prayers. :)

Love God More.

In reflection of and response to "To be naked with God" (http://fidelityblog.tumblr.com/post/172986452/to-be-naked-with-god) by Andre Henry.

I measure the importance of my friendship to others in terms of time. Don't we all? Doesn't it make sense to assume that if someone is important to us that we will go out of our way to make sure that there is time that we have set aside for that person? I know that if someone says that I am important to them but never spends time with me, or only checks in with me with they want to tell me whats happening in their life , I wouldn't believe their words anymore.

God's a person. This statement sounds like one we would quickly agree with, but do we know what it means? God is a person. A person thinks and feels. If I am made in his image, would it not be accurate to say that if I feel that we invest time in those we love, that He probably does too? I've heard, "love God more," a couple times in the past week. And that's exactly what it comes down to.

Think about it. How do you cultivate a relationship? How does it start? Most likely you hang out with the person. You get to know the person. Then you begin to love the person for who they are. Which brings you full circle, back to spending time with them. God's the same. Andre's blog hit me like a stack of bricks. I don't love God as much as I want. I don't love him enough to always go out of my way to carve time for him... just him. So I'm going to begin to "love God more," and start with spending time.

Everything is Spiritual

I've been looking over some of my personal habits. Habits such as: my tendency to run late (even if its only a few minutes), lack of discipline in working out (i wouldn't ever call it laziness), and my cluttered hidden spaces (I do well keeping things picked up but my closet and drawers tend to be messy). Now, I could offer a surface excuse for all these, and honestly I have been throughout the years. Excuses like, "well I just never tend to have enough time to get ready- something always comes up", or "as long as i keep what people see clean then there shouldn't be a problem" have become my anthems. For years, I have just kind of ignored these things or pushed them aside to worry about on another day.

Then there is my spiritual life (you know the things that are more important). Actions with meaning such as praying, reading my Bible, and serving. Two of which (praying and reading my Bible) I will admit that for quite sometime I was horrible at. Even now sometimes is feels like I am pulling teeth to make myself want to do these things. Serving, though I did it and often, I had the wrong motives far too many times. Just the same as the things in my "everyday" life, I have plenty of excuses. "I didn't/don't have time, " being the most popular. There is a pattern; not only is there a pattern, but I'm beginning to realize something HUGE. I'm finally come to realize the "everything is spiritual."

It's not like I have never, in my 21 years in church, heard such a thing. But, for some reason I failed to get a grasp of it. These things are connected. The things in the physical are not separate from the things I struggle with in the spiritual. As a matter of fact, they are actually indicators that there is a fiber of character that is missing or broken in my inner life. Lack of discipline in the physical points to a lack of the spiritual disciplines. The messiness of my closet and drawers could possibly indicate a disordered (or off-rhythm) inner life. This holistic view brings a clearer picture to the places that need work. It takes it deeper. So rather than building character on the surface, it can penetrate the core of who I am.

Aha!

"Spiritual maturity is when you can learn to live above your changing, unreliable emotions rather than under them." When I first heard Dr. Rakes say this, well over a year ago, it resonated within my heart. However, recently I have become even more in touch with the truth that lies within this statement. Now, I refuse to pull the "I'm-a-girl-so-I-am-emotional" card, but to say that I am not an emotional person would be a bold-face lie. On most occasions, I can maintain control of the manner in which I express how I am feeling. So in my mind, the initial challenge was to make the "most" in the former sentence become "all". Within the past year, I have come to the realization that my perceived challenge wasn't the point. In fact, controlling the expression of my emotions is probably not even half of the battle. Though I had gained somewhat control of when or when not to express what I was feeling, inside I was a mess.

When concerning emotions I don't think that there is a truer statement than the one that Joanna Weaver writes in "Having a Mary Spirit." "Careless Thinking is a dangerous habit. For as our thoughts go, so go our emotions. And as our emotions go, so often goes our faith." Here's the "aha!" moment... this "living above the emotions" Dr. Rakes was referring has little to do with am bound to lose. But rather, living above my emotions consists of stopping the negative thoughts that pull the lever to send me on the emotional roller coaster that I know too well... protecting my thoughts, protects my emotions, which then in return preserves my faith.